don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think my moral compass just broke
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
