like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
