i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I deserve this hangover.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
