it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
