guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
