Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
