It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Life is so much better after having sex.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
