I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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