Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Success! We fucked roommates!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
