What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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