i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
