You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm having to shit out rocks
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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