Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
