It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
