cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
3pm strippers are depressing
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
