fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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