what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
