Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
