My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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