dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
