Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
