I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
