why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
