I hope mine doesn't look like that
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
