Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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