Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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