i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
