She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
