the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
