It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
