Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
