I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
and you fell through a lawn chair
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
