I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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