Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
