yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Farmville is her only friend.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
