Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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