wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
