you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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