Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize