apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
