Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
