Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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