We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
