Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
