You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
vagina is talking i cant
Is it penis luge time yet?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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