Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
