if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
