i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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