When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize