I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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