id be glad to
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
