So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Terrible idea I love it
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
