Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
